Shades of Grey
by DesperateCountdown
Summary: A gritty tale of love, lovesickness, jealousy, and hatred. A realistic look into possible events that parallel some of the situations of the characters of the Twilight Series. Jacob/Bella, one-sided Seth/Jacob ON HIATUS
1. Prologue: A Safe Distance

**Shades of Grey**

**A/N: **_Just so you are all aware, I will rate each chapter individually, so you know what to expect. It's a pet peeve of mine when people neglect to do this. This fic is rated M because there will be later chapters with explicit content. You are warned._

_**Chapter Rating: **_K - K+ {_**Does NOT Include**_ explicit language, sexual references/situations, drug use, or gore/macabre}

_**Disclaimer: **_I did not create Twilight, the characters, nor did I have any part in the making of them. But everyone knows that anyway. Disclaimers may be stupid, but I'm not one for conflict, so here this is.

_**Prologue: **_A Safe Distance

_Edward, 1__st__ Person_

LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS go as planned. I think everyone knows that. Circumstances change, of course, for the better or for the worse. And yet no matter how hard we strive to make everything perfect, to live the way we'd like to…everything dissolves. The novelty of perfection is sluffed off the shoulders, shoveled from the mind.

Do most of us care what happens? I'd like to think so.

You see, the two of us were doomed from the beginning, I assume. Her whole being was a secret. I understood her story, and I understood everything about her, but I never _knew _her. She was something that was normal to most. No matter how hard I try to banish her from my mind, though, I find it difficult. She left an imprint on me. A permanent fixation, she is. Her voice resonates in my mind constantly. The touch of her hands will always be on mine. Her memory remains and always will remain within my own being.

I didn't always know her. I'm glad I didn't know her for that long, to be quite honest. She was one of those that you love and despise at the same time. She was strange, but not a stranger to me. The day I first saw her I didn't believe that she was real. She frightened me, enthralled me, and took my very breath away. No living thing had ever had that effect on me, and hasn't ever since we parted. Isabella Swan--she was an imperfect perfection.

I saw her just as another human being, at first. Well, one that made me exceptionally thirsty. I tried my best to avoid her, but she intrigued me to no visible end. And, naively, as I was very naive back then, I befriended her. I talked to her. I even helped her, as one can only help something that doesn't seem real. Worse than those things, though, I was senseless enough to fall in love with her. It was the worst mistake of my life; yet surprisingly, it doubled as the most rewarding experience I can remember.

I regret many things that have happened in my century of life, but leaving her is not included in that. It was something I had to do. It was like my very soul required it. I know in my mind that she'll be fine. She is a strong mortal, stronger than I had ever been, from what I remember.

Yes, I feel immense pain and heartache. No, I don't think I can go on existing. Maybe I'm being too overdramatic, even for someone so "picture-esqe". But let me tell you this: don't ever expect an easy answer, because easy isn't real. To get somewhere in your existence, you have to embrace difficulties. You have to expect the unexpected. But most of all, I hope you realize, we all walk through paths of fire each and every day. And we get burned.


	2. Chapter 1: One Polar Breath

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 1: **_One Polar Breath

_**Chapter Rating: **_T {For drug use}

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

**A/N: **Please comment! I really need the motivation for this. Flames are tolerated, just don't go overboard. Thank you!

_Third Person_

JACOB STIFFENED HIS back and breathed out a warm puff of breath tainted with the smell of tobacco. His spine ached and his haunches were sore from crouching for so long, despite his extraordinary durability. His left arm was close to his side, keeping him steady in his melancholy position. His fingers gripped the grass in such a way that he was remaining still and not pulling the blades out of the cool earth.

Snow began to drift from the somber sky. The flakes instantly began to melt on his hot, russet skin; the ground itself seemed to shiver from the contact.

"You don't seem like you're up to taking care of things, Mother." He smiled sadly and patted the earth. "Don't worry, because I'm not, either."

A sudden gust of wind took Jacob completely by surprise. He fell forward and his arm caught the fall; his elbow bent at the gentle curve, his wrist pushed and locked, and his long fingers reflexively gripped the cold, hard dirt. One of his knees came so far forward that it jolted against his chin and thrust his jaw upwards into his skull. A sharp pain reverberated through his mouth and spread to his molars, just as water expands in rocks when it turns to ice.

Jacob allowed his large frame to give way and he collapsed onto the ground. He lay there, unfeeling, the cold air stinging his open lips. He certainly wasn't helpless, but he felt that way. All he wanted to do was give someone a sign, receive a knowing look, scream for help; But that was something he wouldn't let himself do.

Jacob hadn't phased into a wolf in over a month, so he hadn't been in contact with his pack–in his mind, at least. He begrudgingly spent time with them, though he preferred to be alone. Of course his pack had noticed a difference in his presence and his overall demeanor, but Jacob had always been a difficult individual, so most of them ignored their growing concern.

He missed Bella so much. He missed her large, expressive eyes; the way she tripped over nothing, and how her nose crinkled when she was excited. It hurt him that they weren't as close as they had been in the past. His hatred for Edward grew even more that he had returned to her after so many months of being away. How could she even be attracted to him? Yes, he was preternaturally beautiful, but he was emotionless, as far as Jacob could see.

The last time Jacob had seen or spoken to Bella had been in October, about two months before this day. A verbal disagreement was the cause, as it had always been between the two. Their fight had been unnecessary, and had actually started quite innocently–but it had blown up to be nasty and hurtful. They both had walked away with scars on their minds, pride, and hearts.

He didn't want to remember it, but it was so difficult not to.

They had been standing outside for only a few minutes before their argument had boiled.

_Jacob, you have no idea how much I hate you! Why can't you just leave me alone?_

_You hate _me? _You've been so completely cruel, Bella. Do you even know how much you hurt me?_

_If you stopped loving me, maybe I wouldn't hurt you all the time._

_That's the thing, Bells--__I _can't _stop loving you! I never will!_

He sighed as he remembered the confusion on her gentle face when he stepped forward, grabbed her face with two hands, and kissed her with everything he had within him. It hadn't been the first time it had happened...

She had struggled so much, and had never kissed him back like the other time.

The rejection had pooled in his stomach and he shoved her away and stalked back into his house. She had stumbled from the force of the push and almost fell to the ground.

_Jake, wait... _She had pleaded half-heartedly. She reached out to him, beckoning. He ignored her and didn't look out his window again until he heard her Chevy start up and leave.

Back in the field, still laying on the grass, Jacob felt as if he were drowning in unknown and raucous waters. He knew that Bella was in pain, too, without her freedom. Edward had her cornered. Jacob knew that Edward felt something for Bella, but he just couldn't see how Edward could love Bella more than he did himself.

If he were indeed drowning, he wanted _her _to be right there with her. _She _would be holding his wrinkled, water-logged hands; _she _would be choking and straining for _her _life just as hard as he would be.

When Jacob sucked in the breath he had been holding and found himself still upon the sea of grass, he stopped struggling against his mind. His body hadn't been fighting that battle. His hands glided over the green turf. The snow had stopped just as quickly as it had started. Jacob let out a rough sigh and pushed himself up with his left elbow. With strain he heaved his large body off of the ground; he stumbled at the effort because his head felt so light and empty. After a moment of collection, he shuffled through the crunchy grass and headed home.

* * *

"JACOB, WHERE HAVE you been?" Billy Black called from the doorway. He pushed himself forward with his arms on his wheelchair.

"Nowhere, dad." Jacob shook his head furiously; it had started snowing again on his way home, and it had saturated his hair.

Billy sighed. He was sick of his son's odd behavior.

"Sam called," he began. "He insists on speaking with you, alone."

"He doesn't need to call me. If he really needed to speak with me, he would come over, dad. This reservation is only about a square mile," He retorted in a nasty manner. "He has legs, doesn't he?"

"Jacob, you may be the Beta in your pack, but he _is _the Alpha. You can't ignore a direct order. Go to him tomorrow morning. It's too late now." Billy looked out the window and saw that the sky was completely inky, save for the waning crescent moon and the tiny groups of stars.

"Whatever, I'll go." Jacob tried to sound convincing, though he didn't mean a word of his sentence. "I'm going to bed, dad. I'm really tired." He feigned a yawn, gave a half-smile to his father, and started walking down the short hallway towards his room.

"Oh, and Jacob?"

Jacob stopped but didn't turn.

"Yeah?"

"Bella called while you were out, too." Billy cringed at the words that he expected to come.

"And what did she say?" Jacob asked. Billy raised his eyebrows, though his son could not see it. He was surprised.

"She said that she really needed to talk to you."

"Anything else?"

"She misses you, Jacob. She's having a lot of trouble right now, according to Charlie."

Jacob's back stiffened, and he stalked down to his room on the one-floored house and slammed the door.

Billy sighed once more and retreated to his own bedroom, and realized that he had no one to help him into his bed. He would have to use only his arms to get up into it. Billy thought about going to Jacob for assistance, but he changed his mind and managed to get through the night without the help of his son.


	3. Chapter 2: Thirty Six Degrees

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 2: **_Thirty-Six Degrees

_**Chapter Rating: **_T {For language}

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

**A/N: **Please comment! Flames are tolerated, just don't go overboard. Thank you!

_Jacob Black_, _1st__ Person_

"DAD, I'M GOING over to Sam's place," I called over the noise of the television in the next room.

I didn't wait for his reply, and I went out the front door as soon as I could. I walked down the uneven terrain with only a tee-shirt and jeans into the frigid air. It didn't really bother me that much, because my skin is so hot that it didn't matter. There was no chance that I would freeze in 36 degree weather.

The night before had been brutal. After slamming my door, I threw myself on my too-small bed and screamed into my pillow. I wondered why Bella would want to talk to me, then of all times. She loved Edward, didn't she? She had voiced her opinion so many times. She obviously didn't want me.

_If you stopped loving me, maybe I wouldn't hurt you all the time._

The words that she had said to me months ago still remain fresh in my mind. They hurt so badly.

As I ambled on, I caught a glimpse of something between the fir trees; it looked red. I was sure it was a car, but no one on La Push had a vehicle like that.

I walked for only five minutes before I reached Sam's one floored Ranch house–the one he shared with Emily. I hoped to God that I didn't walk in on them doing anything.

I knocked on the door and waited for Sam. I heard his footsteps long before he reached the door. When he opened it, he actually looked surprised.

"Jacob?" His eyebrows pulled together. He was wearing cutoff sweats and a wife- beater. I shifted my weight to my other leg.

"My dad said that you called me while I was out yesterday. He told me to come by." I strained to keep myself from rolling my eyes.

"Oh, yeah, I did call. Uh, come in, grab something to drink. I'll be right back." He retreated into what I knew to be his bedroom. I didn't get anything, and I sat myself down on his large, worn out couch. I waited impatiently for him to return, and my foot involuntarily began to tap.

Sam suddenly ducked his head under his doorframe. I think he was checking to see that I was still in the house. He gave a half-smile, which I interpreted as one of relief, and he was in front of me in less than a second.

"I'm sorry about that, Jacob. I just didn't expect you to come over."

"Well, you called, and I can't just ignore you."

"It's what you've been doing to the pack for a long time," he said with confidence. I sighed.

"I can't help it, Sam."

"You have to, Jacob. We may not need you right now, but things always change. I won't have you ignoring your whole pack, worrying your father, and moping around everywhere! What is Bella worth to you, anyway? All she's ever done is hurt you!"

For a moment, I sat dumbfounded. How did Bella get mixed into this? After I gained my bearings, I closed my eyes. No matter how much I wanted to agree with him, I couldn't, because it wasn't one-hundred-percent true. I opened my eyes and stared at his rugged face.

"She's done a lot for me, Sam. I love her."

"She knows that she's hurt you, Jacob. But don't try and kid yourself–-you've caused her pain, too."

I shot him a confused glance.

"What the hell are you talking about? How would you know what's happened between us?"

"First of all, everything that has to do with you and Bella makes itself known in some way. You two are bad at keeping secrets," he paused and squinted at something above my head. "She loves you."

I stood up and huffed.

"Sam, what the hell is going on with you? I know you're the Alpha and all, but you don't have to act like you know everything! It really pisses me off!"

"Jacob, calm down." He looked at me with a strained expression. I couldn't calm down at all. All I could think was, _what brought this on? _Sam rarely spoke of Bella---to me, at least. I went towards the door. _It's not a big deal, it's not a big deal. He's just full of himself, that's all. _

"Sam, I'm leaving." He grabbed my arm before I reached the oak door and pulled me back to my place in front of the chair. He stared at me with hard eyes.

"Fine. But everything I said was true, you know." I rolled my eyes at his words.

"Is this really what you wanted to talk to me about?" I asked him.

"Yes and no."

"Then tell me what you need to tell me." He let go of my arm and stepped back.

"There's been a problem with Edward."

"What do you mean, a problem? Did he break the treaty?" My mind instantly went to Bella, and I started to panic. Sam read the fear in my eyes.

"No, he didn't."

"Then what happened? And how did you find out about this? You don't talk to those bloodsuckers alone, I know you."

"Bella was alone with Edward, and—"

"I knew it! That fucking leech, he's—"

"Jacob, I'm going to need you to calm down. You're the only one who doesn't know about this yet." I looked at him with what I believe he perceived as shock. I tried to ignore the betrayal that hit me square in the chest.

"Okay. Just tell me what's going on."

"Edward left Bella."

"What? What are you talking about? The last time she talked to me she was telling me how much she loved that bloodsucker! Did he do something to her? If he did, I'll break his fucking neck, that's what I'll do! I mean, what's the worst he could do to me? And anyways, I—" I stopped when I heard a growl erupt deep within Sam's throat.

"—Are you quite finished, Jacob?" I felt my blood begin to boil, and spasms of pain rippled throughout my back. I knew what was probably going to come—the beginning of the transformation was especially painful because it had been so long since I had undergone it. I closed my eyes and started to let the feeling overcome me. It felt great, even though I wasn't a wolf yet. I felt so powerful, and I wondered how the hell I had gone so long without changing.

"Jacob, stop." I felt a hand on my shoulder, and though the temperature was about the same as mine, I felt the heat seep through my tight tee-shirt and for some reason it calmed me down.

The feeling I had grown quite accustomed started to ebb away from my very core. My muscles relaxed, my eyes opened slowly, my fingers went limp. I backed away from Sam's body and sat back down on the couch that I had previously been on.

"I'm sorry, Sam." He laughed out loud—I didn't think he would do that.

"You really need to work on your anger issues, Jacob."

"I'm quite aware of that, thank you." I tried to smile, but I couldn't.

"To answer your question, he did many things to upset her."

"Like what?" "Well, for starters, he told her that he was sure he didn't want her to become a vampire, and that he didn't want her to be involved his lifestyle."

"How was that a problem? It was right of him to refuse." I felt my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Well, she was a wreck, apparently. She went to each and every one of the Cullen's and asked them what they thought."

"What did they do?" I felt my blood heat up once more, fearing the worst.

"Oh, Jacob, will you _please _get a hold of yourself? This isn't as big of a deal as you're making it." He began to tap his foot in impatience, so I immediately masked my emotions. My face became a motionless slate. "Thank you. Well, anyways, she wanted to be immortal very badly. I guess she was conflicted. You of all people should know that there's some part of her that wishes to stay human…"

"And why is that?" Sam shot me a look.

"Idiot."

"What? It's an honest question. I'm not trying to be an ass." Well, of course I was trying to be an ass. Because I knew the answer very well--though the truth was still hard to believe. I wanted to hear it from someone else. Anyone else. But the reassuring statement that I expected to hear never came.

"Anyways," he began, "he hit her."

"Edward hit Bella?" I asked in a slow manner.

"Yeah, Jacob. He did. Not on purpose, though," he quickly rushed out his second sentence, sensing my rising anger.

"Explain. Now." I growled.

"Well…she sort of threw herself at him. And because he was so scared about losing control, he slapped her in the face. Not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough to scare the absolute shit out of her." He chuckled under his breath.

It took me a few moments to realize that what he did was pretty bad. Of course a man knows that he shouldn't hit a woman, but Edward's strength was almost as significant as my own in my form as a wolf. I didn't feel genuine anger for quite some time; I was mostly in shock, and I feared for Bella. I couldn't move. I guess Sam took my silence as permission to continue, because he started talking again.

"She's mortified. After he struck her, he was so angry with himself that he told her to leave and never come back to his home again. He won't answer her calls, and he hasn't been back to her school since it happened. Once again, it's not a big deal, but she is pretty hurt."

I looked at him with narrow eyes.

"It's not a big deal? Sam, he _hit _her. He could have killed her! Isn't there something we can do?"

"But he _didn't_kill her, Jacob. No matter how much I hate the Cullen's, they technically are not in the wrong. The treaty wasn't broken. There's nothing we can do about it."

Sam seemed so strange; he was definitely not himself. There was barely any anxiety in his voice, and he wasn't on the brink of going over the Cullen's home and killing every one of them.

"Sam, please tell me how you know all of this. I can't stand it. You can't be this informed. There's no way."

He sighed and looked towards his room again.

"I know because Edward told me himself. He came over very soon after it happened, and he told me he was leaving Forks. He presumed that since I was the Alpha, it was fitting for him to tell me. He said he would leave without another word. He's not coming back for a long time, I can guarantee it."

It was so much for me to take in. I had so many different thoughts going through my head, so many different allegations, so many accusations. But I became disturbed when I realized that I hadn't thought directly about Bella's conditions.

"Is she all right?" I stood again, and I felt frantic.

"Yes. She doesn't have any marks. Edward checked on her this morning while she was still asleep. It only happened late last night, you know."

I felt a mixture of positive and negative emotions. I was so ecstatic that the leech was away from her, the heartless bastard. Pain because I had been so cold to her. Regret and self-hatred because she had called me the night before, most likely just after the incident. She needed me, and I ignored her.

_Jacob, you have no idea how much I hate you! Why can't you just leave me alone?_

I cringed. Even without Edward, I didn't want to talk to her—yet I yearned to. I wanted just to be near her, to hold her hand, to hold her close and smell her hair. I wasn't sure if I could bear to do it, though. Knowing her, she had probably already forgiven me, what with her calling me the night before. But once again, she had caused me emotional pain. Thoughts of her still invaded my mind. Her ivory skin, the few freckles on her curved shoulders, and her clumsiness. I made a slight tilt of my body towards the door.

"Go to her, Jacob." I didn't need a second reminder.

* * *

**chris: **I thank you for your comment. I appreciate it a lot.

**Colum: **Thanks! I'm trying very hard to make the characters here stand out. I'm glad you noticed.


	4. Chapter 3: Frigid Hope & Flaming Desire

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 3: **_Frigid Hope & Flaming Desire

_**Chapter Rating: **_M {For language, drug use, and mature homosexual actions}

((Something for everyone, right? It's my job to provide entertainment.))

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

**A/N: **Please comment! Flames are tolerated, just don't go overboard. Thank you!

_Following Jacob Black, 3rd__ Person_

AFTER FLINGING HIMSELF out of Sam's front door, Jacob ran the full quarter mile back to his own home. He didn't bother to go inside to let his father know he was leaving. He figured that Billy would hear the motor of his Rabbit starting up.

Jacob went into the garage and opened the smooth door of his automobile. Sliding in, he realized how incredibly cold it was--leather seats may be known for trapping heat, but they were so cold that they had a slightly crispy feel to them.

"Shit," he hissed when the back of his arm hit the freezing heat.

In his excitement, Jacob had forgotten his keys. He didn't realize it until he went to shift the Rabbit into reverse.

"God fucking damnit!" He yelled, and hit the steering wheel with the palms of his hands. He opened the door once again, jumped out with preternatural speed, and ran to the house.

"Jacob?" Billy asked with a surprised look on his face.

Jacob didn't speak. Instead, he went to the kitchen, grabbed his keys off of the table, and ran right back out without even looking at his father.

He was on the road before it even registered in his mind. He sped down the backroads away from the reservation and gripped the wheel with his large hands. Barely able to contain his anxiety and excitement, the car groaned in protest at his constant shifting.

He didn't bother to turn on the radio. He knew that the music would get him even more anxious.

Jacob pulled into the Swan's driveway and parked. The Rabbit's engine sighed and puffed. He sat there for a few moments, going over in his mind what he could possibly say to Bella.

_I'm so sorry. _No.

_I've missed you so much Bella. _Eh…no.

_I always knew he was a motherfucker. _No way.

"I'm such an idiot." He mumbled under his breath.

When he got out of the Rabbit and walked to the front door, Jacob's erratic heart began to calm a little bit. He wasn't sure why. He didn't sense any horrible things that could happen to him.

Ringing the doorbell twice in a row, he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Just as he was about to turn around and leave, he heard the door unlocking and it came open with caution. When the slitted eyes that were staring at him brimmed with recognition, Jacob's ego faltered.

It was Chief Swan.

"Hello, Jacob." He smiled, but it looked like it was forced. It was how he used to look at Edward.

"Hey, Charlie. Um…" Jacob ran his fingers through his hair.

"Bella's not here, if you came over for her."

Disappointment filled Jacob's mind. He wanted to see her _now, _talk to her _now, _touch her _now. _

"Where is she?" He asked with a glum look on his face.

"Come back another time, Jacob," Charlie said without answering his question.

"Can't you just tell me where she went?" His glower turned to slight annoyance.

"Why don't you call next time, Jacob." Charlie started to close the door. With a quick movement, Jacob wedged his foot inbetween the door and the frame. The large oak slab hit his foot, hard, but he didn't make a sound. Instead, he spoke once more, with a determined sound to his voice.

"Sir, I need to know where Bella is."

Charlie looked at him with surprise. His eyes crinkled at the sides.

"No."

"Why not?" He shouted.

"Jacob, she'll call you in due time. Now get off of my property before I force you to leave."

Jacob remained in his position for a few more moments, staring Charlie down. When the feeling of hopelessness washed over him, he removed his foot, turned around with great speed, and went to his stalled car. Before he backed out of the driveway, he glanced at the door. It was closed. He slammed his fist down on the dashboard and started back home.

* * *

_Following Billy Black, 3__rd__ Person_

"I DON'T KNOW why the hell he was acting like that, dad," Jacob took another drag on his Marlboro.

Billy squinted at the offensive object but didn't say anything about it.

"Well, Jacob, he's probably just upset for Bella. She hasn't exactly had an easy time here."

"What are you _talking _about? I helped Bella so much when that leech was gone! Charlie wanted the two of us to get together!"

Billy sighed and looked at the fire that they had started in the backyard. The logs on the bottom of the pit were charred and old, and barely burned. Billy had asked Jacob to go get some extra firewood from the shed but his son had ignored him.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" He asked.

"No way, dad. I'll just call next time. That'd make him happy, right?"

Billy wanted to agree with his son, but he couldn't find it in his heart to do it. He'd known Charlie for years and years, and this was very odd behavior for him.

Billy watched Jacob flick the ash off of his cigarette. There was something different about him, he could tell. Even before his fight with Bella, Jacob had been increasingly distant, moody, and disrespectful. It wasn't how he was raised to be, and the behavior bothered Billy to no end. It made him feel like a failure as a father.

It may have bothered him, but he never said a word. He knew Jacob was stressed. Blaming his actions on that seemed so much easier.

"I wish you would stop that." He said.

A confused look plagued Jacob's face. Billy motioned towards the 'cancer stick', and Jacob chuckled.

"Nah. I like it." He took another drag to prove his point.

Billy slumped in his wheelchair and stared at the moon. A growing crescent. _It'll be gibbous, soon. Then full…_

He didn't say his thoughts out loud for fear that his son would laugh at him. He wasn't aware that Jacob was thinking the same exact thing.

"You know, dad, I'm kind of in the mood for a legend. You up for it?"

Billy smiled and scratched his chin.

"Sure. Which one?"

"One that you haven't told in a while."

"Jacob, you have to be more specific!" He barked out a laugh. "There are so many."

"Well…how about the one about the moon and her lover?"

Billy sighed in a happy manner as he remembered the legend.

"All right. Where to start…"

Jacob dropped his cigarette butt on the ground and pushed on it with the heel of his shoe to extinguish the remaining heat. Billy smiled and began the story.

* * *

**Following Seth Clearwater, 3rd Person**

"_Wait. Please stay, Jacob." _

_Seth stared at the older boy's back with expectation. His confession had wrenched his heart right out of his chest. If Jacob walked away from him, he would carry Seth's heart away._

"_Seth, I really can't stay here anymore."_

"_I know how you feel, Jacob. Don't lie to yourself."_

_Jacob whirled around and looked into Seth's eyes. They stayed standing, watching each other, eyes trailing upwards and downwards. After a long silence, he spoke:_

"_Seth, you have no idea what you're talking about." He turned around once more and began walking towards the door. Seth ran towards Jacob, caught his arm, and pulled him towards his body. He was so surprised that he stopped._

"_Stay with me." Seth pleaded. He wrapped his arms around the much larger figure and sighed into his chest._

_Jacob reluctantly placed his hands around Seth's frame. Instantly, he felt a nuzzle on his chest. Jacob was surprised. After a while Jacob removed his hands and gently pushed Seth away from his body. Seth groaned in protest but made no movement to prevent it._

_When Seth looked up, he braced himself for angry eyes. Instead of looking angry, though, they had a smoldering look to them. Seth felt his eyebrows come together in confusion when a warm hand rested itself on the side of his neck._

" _Jacob?"_

"_I love you." _

_Seth wanted to answer him, but he only sputtered. _Great. How attractive, _he thought to himself._

"_I'm sorry, Seth."_

"_For what?" Seth only blinked. Jacob chuckled at him, and a smile remained on his face._

"_For telling you that you had no idea what you were talking about." He was serious again, and his face looked so smooth. _

_Seth just looked away in an uncomfortable manner. _

"_It's all right." He jumped when the hand on his neck moved up to cup his cheek. The smaller teen looked up at Jacob's face and found that it was closer than it had been before._

_He wasn't sure what to expect, because Jacob just kept looking into his eyes. He was so close now that his vision of him was slightly blurry. He licked his lips._

"_Jake, what--"_

_He was silenced by another pair of chapped, urgent lips. Seth's eyes flew open; not because of the kiss itself, but because it felt like an electric shock had coursed its way down his entire body._

_Jacob broke the chaste kiss and searched for a reaction. With the loss of the wonderful feeling, Seth groaned and closed his eyes._

_This time, Seth initiated the kiss. It was deepened almost instantaneously. Another shock jolted him--but it wasn't his own body, it was Jacob's--his arms had found their way to Seth's hips and had jerked him forward into his own. _

_Seth made an unfamiliar sound of approval into Jacob's mouth as he felt his hardness and their tongues intertwined. He raised his arms and placed them around Jacob's neck. His fingers found their way to his shaggy hair and he pulled on it when Jacob nibbled on his lower lip. Without fully realizing it, Seth felt himself being pushed backwards. He jumped a bit when his back hit the wall but he continued kissing Jacob. _

_Jacob hitched Seth's leg up on his hip and ground into him. The action elicited a moan from both of them. _

_Seth's vision began to fade from behind his eyelids. The intense feelings were ebbing away. He whined in disapproval and tried to desperately bring back what was happening to him, but his efforts failed._

Seth woke up on the floor, tangled in his ivory sheets. His erection strained against his pants. He furiously blinked his eyes to get used to the darkness. He propped himself on one elbow and rubbed his face with the other. When he realized where he was, he groaned in anger.

"Damn it," he said out loud. He stood made his way to the window in his room. Opening the shutters, he peered out into the night. The cold air coming in from the screen caused goosebumps to raise on his skin.

_Why me? _He thought.

These dreams had been appearing to him for over 6 weeks now. He'd never dreamt about a male in the way he was dreaming about Jacob. His dreams were almost always centered around girls up until the new dreams.

He was angry with himself for dreaming about Jacob. It was really difficult to keep the images away from the pack when they were running around as wolves.

_Am I gay?_

No. It couldn't be true. It wasn't like that. _It's just a phase, right?_

He cringed when his thoughts went to Jacob.

_Yeah, it's a phase, _he said in his mind. He tried to sound convincing, for his own sake. He would trade his dreams for extreme pain, if it came to it.

He started to cry when he realized that the one who was lying was himself.

_

* * *

_

**Colum: **Once again, thank you very much!

**A/N: **A little twist for everyone. Don't like it? Don't read it. You were warned in the beginning about mature content. And for the few homophobes out there, things like this may pop up every once in a while. Sorry. It's my story. I'm the entertainer, you are the entertained! For those who are supportive, thank you very much. I'm happy that so many people are continuing to read this fic.


	5. Chapter 4: The Truth

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 4:** _The Truth

_**Chapter Rating: **_T {For language & drug use}

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

**A/N: **Please comment…I'm lacking motivation, to be honest. Thanks!

_Following Jacob Black, 3rd__ Person_

WHEN JACOB WOKE up that Saturday morning, he was surprisingly exhausted. The night before had been disappointingly uneventful, but then again, the emotional and physical stress was really getting to him.

He and his father had been closer to each other the night before than they had been in months. Everything just seemed easier at night, with the fire and the calming legend-telling. It seemed like they were finally getting along again. Jacob knew for a fact that their deteriorating relationship was mostly his own fault, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it.

Jacob briskly pushed himself out of his queen-sized bed when he realized that it was almost noon. He yawned on the way to the bathroom and deftly got ready for his day. He had intended on waking earlier on in the day, but his body and his ears apparently ignored the irritating beep from his alarm clock.

When he finally ditched the bathroom after his shower, he grabbed the closest clean clothes out of the heap on his dresser. In the middle of zipping up and buttoning his pants, his father called him.

"Jacob, do you want something to eat? I can make you eggs."

"Nah, dad. It's okay. It's late in the day now--I'll get something to eat later."

He was countered with a look that took him by surprise. Billy _hmphed. _

"What?" Jacob said.

"Nothing. I just wanted to give you a break."

"Give me a break? What are you talking about?"

"Well, with all of the work with the pack, you know, you're always running around. I just wanted to make you breakfast."

"Dad, it's really okay. And to be honest," he began slowly, "I haven't really been working with the pack lately."

"What do you mean?" Billy's eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"I'm just not interested."

"You're not _interested_?" He asked incredulously.

"No, I'm not."

"Jacob, let me tell you something. You can't just decide to leave the pack forever."

"That's not what I'm doing. I'm just taking a break from all of it."

Jacob shifted his weight to his right foot and put on his burgundy tee-shirt. Scratching the back of his head, he looked at his father. All he could see was disappointment.

"Dad, I'm not abandoning them, I promise. I'm just…I don't know. I don't really want to talk about it, okay?"

Billy didn't answer him. He averted his eyes from his son's and wheeled out of the kitchen. Jacob stayed put in case his father were to come back, but after a few minutes he heard his father's hushed voice through his bedroom door.

_Great. He's on the phone, _he thought.

Jacob didn't have a cell phone, and there was only one phone in the entire house--and his father was using it. I was an understatement to say that he was annoyed. He _had_ told his father the night before of his intentions.

"_Dad, please don't hog the phone tomorrow talking to Sue. I really need to call Bella."_

"_I know, Jacob. You've told me quite a few times."_

"_You promise? You do nothing but talk nowadays."_

"_I _promise, _Jacob."_

Instead of standing stupidly in the kitchen waiting for his father to give up the line, Jacob went to the green, worn-down couch in the living room across from the dishwasher and clicked on the television. He went through the channel list about eight times before his father emerged from his bedroom. The phone was resting in his lap.

Jacob jumped up and went towards his father.

"Can I use the phone _now_?"

Billy laughed.

"Of course." he picked up the white chunk of technology and handed it to his son.

"Thanks, dad!" On his way to his room, he dialed the number that he had known by heart ever since he first laid eyes on that ripped piece of legal pad paper.

The tone went on for a few seconds before it started ringing. Jacob quietly closed the door. Before he could entirely comprehend the end of the ringing, a voice greeted him.

"Hello?"

"Bella."

A pause ensued.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah, it's me." A wave of relief washed over him.

"Hi."

"Hello." Another pause.

"How are you, Jacob?" She sounded sick.

"I'm fine, Bells. How about you?"

"I'm…okay. I've been better."

"I figured," He said. Well, more like spat out. He regretted his tone immediately, but before he could apologize, Bella spoke into the receiver.

"I don't really want to talk on the phone, Jacob."

"Oh. Um, all right. I'll go." He closed his eyes in disappointment.

"No, don't hang up," she began frantically.

"I'm not going to," He soothed.

"Come over."

"Now?"

"Yeah, now. I need to see you."

"Okay. I'll be there soon, okay?"

"'Kay." Jacob could practically hear the smile in her voice.

He hung up and rushed to his Rabbit.

* * *

JACOB RANG HER doorbell and waited a few moments before ringing it again in his impatience.

"I'm coming!" He heard a loud screech come from inside and winced. Sometimes he really hated his keen ears.

The door opened so quickly that he took a small step backwards.

The first thing he looked at was her face. He stared at her for what seemed like a century. She stared right back. When she looked away in what he took as shyness, he then noticed her wet hair, hanging in loose waves about her face and caressing her arms.

He looked lower, and realized that she was wearing nothing but a towel. Jacob blinked and shifted his weight.

"Um, Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You're almost naked."

She looked at herself and blushed.

"I know," she said uneasily. "I didn't think you were coming over _that _quickly."

She stepped aside and motioned inside the house. He ducked his head, took off his muddy sneakers, and scratched the back of his head.

"Um…you can just sit down on the couch while I change into something."

He went into the living room and sat while she ran upstairs. He tried his hardest not to look at her as more and more of her legs were revealed with each step.

She came back down in faded jeans and a navy blue tank top, had her hair in a ponytail, and sat next to Jacob.

They stared at each other for another long period of time before Jacob cleared his throat.

"Bella, where's Charlie?"

"Jacob, he's with your dad. They're fishing. Saturday, remember?"

It was like a light bulb flashed in his mind. His father hadn't been on the phone with Sue--he had been talking to Charlie.

_He set this up! _He thought wryly.

"What do you want to do?" She asked.

He thought for a moment.

"This," he whispered. He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her towards him. He enveloped her in a hug that she couldn't have gotten out of if she tried. He actually half-expected her to attempt to wriggle away. He wouldn't allow it for his life.

She returned the hug, though it seemed half-hearted. Jacob ignored her hesitancy and just held her.

"I'm so sorry," she said into his shoulder.

"Don't be, Bella." He replied.

"I was so horrible to you, Jake. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive you for." He was lying through his teeth, but he didn't want to make her feel bad.

She pulled away from him and he reluctantly let go of her.

"You know what, Jake?"

"What?" He frowned at her melancholy expression. He presumed something horrible was about to be said. He always expected this kind of thing with Bella. Yes, she was tough to handle, and yes, she did get a tad emotional, but Jacob was used to this. He knew for a fact that he was worse than her.

"I'm not sure if I'll ever stop loving him, Jake."

Jacob felt like his heart was being wrenched apart. He looked away from her pale face and stared at the frayed blue carpet. She rested one of her hands on his forearm.

"I'm not sure if I'll ever stop loving you, either."

His head snapped back at her words, but he wasn't remotely surprised. She'd been saying this kind of stuff for a long time. He wasn't sure if he believed it anymore.

"Bella, why can't you just love me? Only me?"

She pursed her lips in thought.

"Things don't go the way we want them to. We're not in control of things. We never have been, Jake."

"Don't give me that shit, Bella. We can make things go any way we want."

"I disagree. Our lives are so fragile and so transitional. You think I want to be in love with two people at once?"

"Did the leech tell you that one? He's not fragile _or _transitional," He pointed out.

"You know what I meant. Well, what _he _meant."

"Bella, I don't give a damn about what he thinks! All I care about is what you think. If you brought me here to reminisce about that undead, filthy monster, then I'm leaving." He made a motion that threatened for him to rise off of the couch.

"Jacob," she pleaded. "Just listen to me. I need you to _listen _for once! You never ever stay to hear what's on my mind. You're supposed to be my friend!" She put a nasty emphasis on the word 'friend'.

"Fine." He simply stated.

"Even though he left me--"

"Twice."

She flinched as if he had slapped her.

"Yes, twice. Jake, even though it was his decision to leave me, it's going to take me a long time to get over him. You understand that, right?"

"No, I don't. He never did anything for you. He took your humanity away from you for longer than necessary, and you know it."

"He didn't take my humanity away from me!"

"Bella, he made you _want _to be one of _them_! Does that explain nothing to you?"

"Please, Jake, don't start this. I don't want to fight."

"You're the one that started this, Bella! You have no idea how much I would give for you to forget all about him. No idea."

"I have a pretty good idea too, Jake. I want to forget about him too." Her tone sounded very unconvincing.

"I don't believe you."

"And why not?" She retorted.

"Because…" he paused. "Because if you wanted to forget about him, you wouldn't have accepted him when he came back to you. He broke your heart, Bella. If you were stupid enough to take him that time, you'd probably do it again." As he finished his sentence, his words got softer and more calm.

"Jake…I can't help the way I feel." She said helplessly.

"You _can_, Bella honey. You will, in the future. You'll forget everything about him." He took her hands and continued.

"I know I've made a million mistakes around you. But that's what makes me human. I've made you angry, right?"

"Yeah. Plenty of times," she said under her breath.

"Did he ever make you as angry as I've made you?"

She didn't even have to hesitate.

"No. Never."

"See? He lacks the passion that I have. The passion that _we _share." He smiled and moved his body closer to Bella's. She didn't shy away like he expected her to, and that only boosted his confidence further.

"Was he ever able to stare at you without looking away?"

"No…"

"Because he couldn't avoid the fact that you could always be his next meal. I stare at you because I think you're beautiful. And I'd never eat you." He winked, but she grimaced. He ignored her expression.

"Was he ever able to just hold you without letting you go?"

"No, Jake. He was too cold." She closed her eyes and thought about getting away from him.

"I'm warm."

"Yes, you are. But you're not human either, you know."

"At least I'm not dead, Bella." Jacob countered.

Her eyes widened in shock and her eyes welled up with angry tears.

"What are you getting at, Jacob? Why do you insist on making me feel worse?" she choked out.

"I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I'm trying to make you see the truth." he said considerately. He had no intention of stopping now. He could care less if he made her angry. He wanted her to hate Edward with all of her being.

"Did he ever kiss you the way I have?" He knew he was venturing in dangerous waters, but he took the chance.

"No, Jake! He never kissed me the way you did. And I'm glad."

He didn't want to admit that her statement had hurt his ego, but he couldn't help it.

"You can be a real bitch, Bella. You lie to me all the time. You lie to yourself! What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be _you_? You don't have to please him anymore, Bella! He's not _here _anymore. He's not coming back for you."

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"How do you know?"

"He told Sam. And Sam told me. It's the truth."

"The truth?"

"The truth," he repeated. "Bella, he wanted you to have a human life. He wanted you to have a better life."

"Okay. I believe you. I don't want to, but I do."

_Well, that was easy, _he thought to himself. He was still a bit skeptical.

"You're free now, you know that? You can be with me in any way you want to," He said in a suggestive manner.

"Just give me some time, Jake. God." She rolled her eyes through her tears.

"You'll come around, Bella. I know you."

"I hate you, Jacob Black."

"And I love you, Isabella Swan."

She pulled him into an embrace and held him until her arms fell asleep.

* * *

_Jacob Black, 1__st__ Person_

I LEFT BELLA'S house soon after our less-than-satisfactory conversation. I was counting on something more heartwarming. I wanted her to run into my arms and thank me for coming and say how much she hated Edward…

…But she didn't. At least I got to see her, right? Right.

She wanted to see me again. She said that she wanted to just be alone with me, and that had definitely brought my hopes up.

After parking my car, I went in to say hello to my dad. He wasn't there, so I assumed he was still out fishing with Charlie. I was in a pretty off mood after talking to Bella, so I decided to walk to First Beach and just think.

It took me a good fifteen minutes to get there, but it felt like an hour. I was walking so slowly that I could have been mistaken for someone in pain. When I found a large piece of driftwood about twenty feet away from the shoreline, I sat myself down and lit a cigarette. I savored each inhalation and held the smoke in my lungs for longer than I usually did.

I couldn't keep my mind away from what Bella had told me:

_Things don't go the way we want them to. We're not in control of things. We never have been, Jake._

We can be in control of things, right? Of course we can. We may be mortal, but we can't just wrap ourselves up in the little things that keep us sane.

For the longest time I just breathed. Smoking really did comfort me. Yeah, I knew it was dangerous, and I knew it was a disgusting habit, but it soothed me so much. I didn't want to consider myself addicted, but in all honesty, I was.

I was so deep within myself that I didn't hear his voice, at first.

"Jake?" he repeated.

I slowly turned around and looked at his maturing face.

"Seth? What are you doing here?"

He sat down next to me, his body inclined to the left towards my own.

"I don't really know. I was just walking around and I saw you, so I decided to say hello." He spoke so quickly that his voice quivered.

I laughed at him, because he seemed so uncomfortable. I threw my finished cigarette on the damp sand and squished it with my heel. I put my hand on his shoulder because I wanted to calm him down a bit, but my action didn't have the effect that I intended.

He shuddered under my palm and closed his eyes. I stared at him in surprise.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he rushed out. I removed my hand and folded it in my lap.

"All right." We were both quiet for a while, and I was just about to head back to my house when he broke the silence.

"Do you really love her, Jake?"

"Bella?"

"Yeah. Who else?" He said.

"I do, Seth. I really do."

I heard a sharp intake of breath from him and he stood up and stalked away from me. I shrugged and started another Marlboro.

* * *

**Colum: **Thank you for being so reliable. I really appreciate your kind comments.


	6. Chapter 5: Heating Up

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 5:** _Heating Up

_**Chapter Rating: **_M {For language, suggestive heterosexual themes, mature homosexual adult themes}

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

**A/N: **I'm sorry that this took so long to put up. I've had a lot to do lately, and I went away for four days and I was without a computer, and I didn't have a notebook. I finished this in about six hours--I hope you like it! Please review. No reviews make me very sad.

_Seth Clearwater, 1st__ Person_

I can't say that I wasn't angry when I left Jacob that afternoon. I don't really think I had a reason to be mad, but I'm going to be honest: I can't get him out of my mind. It hurts to think of him with someone other than me. It's selfish, isn't it?

It's getting to the point where it's difficult to be around him. Whenever I see him, I either imagine him naked or I have to keep myself from kissing him. Life's not fair, is it? I'm beginning to think that attraction itself is a curse.

When I saw him that day on the beach, my heart jolted at the thought of even talking to him. I'd been staring out of my window, watching the waves crash on the tawny sand. I couldn't bring my eyes away from green-blue vastness that I was seeing.

Until my eyes caught the figure of Jacob Black, at least.

I couldn't understand what it was about him that made his presence so alluring. Eight weeks of consistent dreams about a childhood friend weren't exactly helpful. Arousing, yes, but not helpful. Not helpful at all. I couldn't really keep myself from feeling awful about them, though. I kept telling myself this was all wrong, that it was going to go away soon, and everything was going to right itself.

I was sorely mistaken.

My dreams were provocative, of course, but I always woke up before anything really _happened. _Up until yesterday, that is. That dream was more urgent and…animalistic, I guess.

I was in my bed and it was late…well, early. It was in the early hours of the day, and I had been thinking for so long that my whole entire body was exhausted, not to mention my head. As my heavy lids fell closed, the world fell black…

_He came towards me, with the smallest of smiles gracing his hard facial features._

"_Hey," he said to me._

"_Hello." I was in the doorway of his home. We were standing about ten feet away from each other, and neither of us made a motion to move. _

"_I'm sorry, Seth."_

"_For what?" Lines plagued my face when it scrunched in confusion._

"_For waiting so long to tell you that I love you." _

_If I had been speaking, I would have choked on my own words. I was sputtering, to say the very least._

"_You…" I stiffened my back. "You love _me_?"_

_He laughed in a calm way and nodded; and with only a few steps, he was right in front of me. I could feel the heat radiating off of his skin._

_I was the first to reach out to him. I put my left hand on his waist and pulled him close to my body. He gave me a wide smile and put one hand on the small of my back and the other on the back of my head. And faster than I could realize, his lips were on mine, firm and urgent. Heat pooled in my groin._

_His hand was unyielding on the back of my head, running his fingers in my hair and pulling on it whenever our tongues met, which was quite often. _

_His grip on my back tightened, and my own hands went from his hips and up around his neck. _

_I whimpered when he pulled my hips into his own. The sound obviously made him more confident because instead of taking it slowly, he relentlessly ground into me. I felt him through his jeans and I tried my hardest to rub my member against his. _

_Though we had only been going at it for a few minutes, the whole living room felt hot, and it was becoming really uncomfortable with our clothes on._

_I was nervous so I didn't attempt to take his shirt off. I think he understood my timidity because he ripped my shirt from my body and pulled off his own._

_His skin was hot, hotter than I'd ever imagined it could be. Hot and smooth and moist from the sweat on his broad chest. _

_Jacob's lips didn't abandon mine even as he lifted me into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms hung around the heated skin of his neck. His hair tickled my forearms. I felt him smile under my lips when I groaned. _

_He walked with quick strides and slammed my back into the wall. It didn't hurt at all, but I wasn't expecting it. The lips that had been occupying my mouth went to my neck and bit at it. He bucked into me when I arched into his body._

"_Jacob," I said, "Please."_

_I didn't know for sure what I was asking for, but by that point I could care less about what I got, as long as I was with Jacob._

"_Please what?" He growled into my neck._

"_Please--" I couldn't finish because I felt a large amount of pressure on my hardness. I looked down with hazy eyes and saw his large hand resting on me._

_He squeezed me._

"_Please _what_?" He asked with a firm tone._

_I squirmed because of how uncomfortable I had suddenly gotten. But when he started sucking at my neck, _hard_,_ _I couldn't help but sigh in contentment. The hand behind me flexed and I realized that I wasn't supporting my body at all--he was. But I couldn't bring myself to care because the hand on my cock started unbuttoning and unzipping my pants._

_I focused on his shoulder because my vision kept going blank when he grabbed me and started moving his hand up and down. _

"_Jake!" I said out loud._

"_I love you, Seth," he whispered into my ear. I shuddered at the sensation._

_I felt bad that I wasn't doing anything to him, but my instincts quickly overrode my thoughts. I moved my hips to an unknown and unrehearsed rhythm and I continued to thrust up into his hand as he pulled me off of the wall and brought me down to the floor. _

_That was when I realized that his pants were completely off, and mine were well on their way. Somehow his hand kept at what he was doing…_

…_and then he stopped. I looked at him in surprise, and his irises were dark and smoldering. With one swift motion, his bare chest pressed onto mine and his lips were pressed to my jaw, licking and biting and sucking. I tried my hardest to stay within my own mind._

_When I felt his harness brush against mine, I screamed in surprise and my legs spread away from each other. His left hand gripped my right hip with extreme strength and he pulled me closer to his heat-radiating body. I broke the kiss to catch my breath and I bit his shoulder, hard enough to draw blood. For a moment I was in complete awe of what I had done…and then he groaned loudly and shut his eyes._

"_Seth…"_

"_Jake? Please."_

_He chuckled and shuddered when I licked a hot trail up his neck to his jaw line._

"_Please what?"_

"_Please…" I didn't want to say the phrase, but it rushed out of my mouth anyways--"fuck me, Jake; I want you to fuck me!" My voice sounded higher than usual._

"_Of course. All you had to do was ask," he replied. His lips descended onto mine and I arched into him…_

And then I had woken up. My toes were numb, my fingers were gripping the sheets, and I was painfully hard. I wanted Jacob so badly. And at first, I really believed that it was all sexual; eventually I learned that it was just as much of an emotional connection.

I knew that nothing would ever happen between the two of us. He would imprint on another female or stay with Bella for the rest of his life. If he were ever to be with me, it would take him a long time for him to get over the embarrassment of his pack members knowing about it. I would never be the person that he would show off in public; I would never be the one with a woman's touch and a woman's intuition; I would never be able to bear his children. I would be a downfall for him, but my heart refused to be quiet any longer.

* * *

_Following Isabella Swan, 3__rd__ Person_

"Bella, you know what I want," Jacob insisted.

"I _do _know what you want, Jacob. Just give me time, okay?"

Jacob had given Bella a full month to collect her thoughts. Of course he called her and she had come over to his house every once in a while, but she had asked for space, for time alone, for hope; he had obliged.

"Bella, I know you love me!"

"I love you, Jake! I love you, I love you, I love you! You know that already. Do I have to repeat myself every time you doubt it?"

"Yes, Bella, because I refuse to lose you to that bloodsucker again!"

"You won't lose me again," She started, "because you never had me to begin with. You weren't the first to take my heart." Her cold words formed a vice around his insides.

They glared at each other for quite some time before she gave up and looked away.

"I started reading _The Great Gatsby._"

"Why should I care?"

She ignored his offhand statement and continued.

"I feel like Daisy, from the book."

He sighed. "Why do you feel like Daisy, Bella?"

"I'm caught between a jerk and a crazy person."

"Which one am I? Both seem pretty bad."

She pursed her lips in thought. She got up and walked to his refrigerator, opened the heavy door, and grabbed the half-full gallon of milk.

"I'm not sure. You're a little of both." she shrugged.

"Then where does that leave Edward?" he snapped.

"Relatively speaking, he's in the same boat as you, Jake," She said coolly.

She poured herself a glass of milk and took a swig. Her eyes found Jacob's.

"He shouldn't be in the same boat as me," he mumbled. "He should be in a different fucking boat, going the other fucking way."

She smiled and shook her head. _They're going the other way, that's for sure…_

* * *

_Jacob Black, 1__st__ Person_

Billy's wrinkled hand slapped mine away from the toast.

"You've already had four pieces, and I've only gotten one."

"So what?" I said.

"So, I'm hungry, Jacob. You can't just be eating all of the food in the house."

I patted my flat stomach. It groaned at the pressure.

"I've got to eat. I'm still growing, you know."

"Well, Lord knows you don't need to grow anymore."

"I can't help how big I'm getting dad. I'm _always_ hungry." I smiled at him and tried to convince him with my eyes to give me the last piece. After a few moments, I saw his shoulders fall and he sighed.

"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, have the toast." He offered it to me, and I snatched it and shoved half of it into my mouth, grinning all the while.

Billy rolled his eyes at me and told me to do the dishes. I stared at him in disbelief.

"Why do I have to do the dishes, dad? Come on!"

"Jacob, you aren't seven years old. It'll take you five minutes. Besides, I have to go out with Sue."

That bit of information caught my attention.

"That's not usual for you, dad."

"I know, but she said that she needed to talk to me, so I she invited me to her house."

I went to the sink and turned on the faucet. Plugging the sink, I grabbed the closest dishrag and threw it in the rising water.

"Dad, can I hang out with Bella today?"

He turned his head towards me. He was in deep thought for a while, or so it seemed, and he finally replied to me.

"Sure."

"Thanks, dad."

"No messing around in the house, Jacob."

I sighed, because I had known that he was going to say something like that. I didn't say anything back to him, but he really had no reason to worry. Bella still had a lot of dislike for me. She wasn't going to be broken--or, rather, kissed--very easily. She rarely even let me hug her tightly. I had a feeling that it was going to be a long time until we actually got along well enough to be intimate.

Intimate? Yes, I was thinking about being intimate with her. I'm not the first and I'm certainly not the last. It freaked me out when she went off to school, with all of those guys drooling after her. I had actually voiced my concerns in a conversation with Bella, once.

"_Bells, does it ever bother you that every single guy follows you?"_

"_What are you talking about?" She took her nose out of _Wuthering Heights _and peered at me from under her eyelashes._

"_All of the guys at your school." I said simply._

"_Jake, you don't even go to my school. What are you trying to get at? And they don't follow me. That's ridiculous."_

"_Well, the way you talk about them, you'd think that they do."_

_She laughed at me and poked my arm._

"_There are only a few guys that I hang out with at school. I don't talk to any of the others. Since when did you get all protective?"_

"_I'm not being protective. I just wanted to know if drooling pissed you off."_

"_You're the one that drools, Jake." I felt my cheeks heat up._

"_You know I meant that in the figurative sense. And I don't drool!"_

"_You keep telling yourself that, Jake." She brought the book back up to eye-level and I took that as a cue to shut up._

As I was finishing washing the dishes, I heard a car pull up into our gravel driveway.

"Dad, Sue's here!" I shouted over the sound of the television.

"I'm not deaf yet," he grumbled just as loudly, wheeling his chair away from the couch.

I chuckled. _You'll be deaf because of that TV, old man, _I thought.

The television caught my attention for a moment when I heard what was on the news: **We do not know if this was a homicide or an accident; the male teenager was found on the side of the road with severe wounds on his arms and torso. Incidents like this one occurred a few months ago when police were investigating the reported sightings of giant wolves in the area. More on this new case at six o'clock tonight. In other new, a young woman--**

I turned off the television with the remote and called Bella when my father was out of the house.

.|*.|*.|*.|.*|.*|.*|.

An hour after I had called her, I heard Bella's Chevy rumble outside of my house. I jumped up from the couch hurriedly and went out to get her.

Bella opened her car door and stepped out onto the ground. Her long hair was pushed up against her cheeks by the light breeze. I couldn't help but admire her.

I held out my hand to her and she took it. Warmth passed through my whole arm. She clutched my fingers tightly and smiled up at me. My stomach flipped.

"What's up with you?" I said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're never like this."

"I know I'm not. And I decided that my behavior needed to change, you know?" She blinked like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"O-okay. I like this change."

"Of course you do," she began, "because you love me."

"Do you love me?" I said as we walked to the door.

"You should know the answer to that, Jake." I wanted to believe every word that she said, but I couldn't. Her face was too blank, too unreadable. Dead. I couldn't help but think that she never looked like this with Edward.

She released my hand and stood in front of me as I closed the front door.

"I have a question for you, Jacob."

"Shoot."

"What did Sam tell you the night that you found out about…the incident?"

My eyebrows pulled together in confusion as I tried to remember the conversation that Sam and I had shared.

"Well," I started, "He just told me that he hit you."

"And?"

"And that he didn't want you to be a vampire." I spat out the last word, with good reason. I hated those bloodsuckers.

"He didn't tell you anything else?"

"He told me other things, Bella. What, was there something that he was _supposed _to tell me that he didn't?"

"You could say that."

"Indulge me, please." I crossed my arms, and I was starting to get pissed. Why wouldn't she just come out and say what she wanted to?

"Well…it's about my dad."

"What about him?" I was remembering the day that I had gone over to Bella's, and Charlie had been acting so incredibly strange.

"I haven't been home for a while." She said.

"What? I've called you at your house phone number, Bella."

"You've been calling my number, but you haven't been getting me at the house."

"Explain. Now." What the hell was wrong with her? I couldn't tell if she was lying or not.

"You've been calling Sam's house."

I looked at her through narrow eyes.

"How were you able to answer the phone there?"

She shifted from one foot to the other and tucked a curled lock of hair behind her naked ears.

"I've been staying with Sam, Jacob."

"What do you mean, you've been _staying _with _Sam_?"

"I've been living with him and Leah for the past few weeks."

I mulled her statement over in my mind. Living with the Uley's? What was she thinking? In a way, I felt extremely betrayed. I was more upset than angry with her, though. I just didn't understand why she wouldn't come to me first.

She looked at me with her head tilted towards the floor.

"Look, I'm sorry, all right? I know I should have told you."

"Of course you should have told me! What the fuck were you thinking? Why didn't you stay over here? You can trust me, Bella." I was hurt beyond belief. My cheeks grew hot out of my anger and anxiety.

"Jake, I said I was sorry. But I was going to ask to come over here…but you didn't answer the phone. I called you over and over again and you wouldn't pick up." Her voice wobbled a bit.

I didn't feel bad for her in the slightest until she spoke once more.

"I thought you hated me. I was so scared to go back home, and I didn't know who else to go to!" A tear spilled over and trailed down her freckled cheek. I stepped forward and wiped it away.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I said, forcibly making my voice softer. I didn't want her to get even more distressed. "Why were you afraid to go home?" I asked her.

She swallowed back a sob and tried to gain some composure. When I asked her the same question she crumpled into me and couldn't stop crying for what seemed like forever.

"C-Charlie, he--" Her face twisted in an ugly way as she held back her tears.

"Charlie what, Bells?"

"Charlie's a vampire," She whispered.

I looked at her in disbelief and before I knew it, a sharp laugh erupted from my throat.

"What," I laughed again, "are you talking about?" I knew that if she hadn't been crying, she would had pushed me away and yelled at me.

"He's a vampire, Jacob." I saw the absolute seriousness in her eyes.

"_Why don't you call next time, Jacob." _I thought about the tone in Charlie's voice, and I realized why he had sounded so strange to me. His voice had been _musical_, of all sounds.

"Who--"

"Edward."

"Excuse me?"

"Edward did it, Jake."

"On purpose?"

"Yeah, on purpose."

"Why? Why the hell would he do that to you? To Charlie?"

"To show me why I should stay mortal."

"He ruined your father's life to show you that?" My fists clenched.

"Edward understood what he was doing, what he was risking." She said without fully answering my question.

"That was a shit move on his part." I said simply.

"I know. He was really upset about it--he did it out of anger at me."

"At least he didn't take it out on you, Bella. You could be dead right now."

"I've been thinking about things…" I didn't let her finish because I was frightened of what she was going to say next. I wasn't ready for her to say anything more about Edward.

"Bella, honey, I'm sorry," I said awkwardly. I pulled her into a tight hug which forced her to put her arms around my shoulders--they had nowhere else to go.

In that moment, I felt more compassionate than I had ever been around her, even though the comfort was strained. All I wanted to do was comfort her. Somehow I wanted her to be like this more often, so I could feel strong and in charge and I could feel like her caretaker, wiping away her tears and convincing her that everything was okay.

I pulled away after a few moments and looked into her eyes. She looked back into mine with a strange look upon her face, like she was having an internal conflict. I thought seriously about leaning down and kissing her but I decided against it. With a heavy heart I took my hands away from her waist and stepped away from her, but her arms clasped tighter around my neck and she went on her tiptoes, kissing me with a force that I wasn't expecting at all.

Her lips were soft and moist, and a little cold. The shock that I felt when she kissed me was so intense that I tugged her waist towards mine with one hand and grabbed onto the back of her head with the other. I decided that even though I was taking advantage of the moment, and even though she was vulnerable and needy, I was too. Even if she regretted it, I would be able to keep this memory.

She broke the kiss with heavily lidded eyes.

"I love you, Jacob Black." My stomach tightened. She kissed me again, deeply this time, and she bit my bottom lip delicately. I opened my mouth for her as an involuntary reaction. Our tongues met and she shuddered.

I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist. Still madly kissing her, I blindly carried her to my bedroom and closed the door.

* * *

**Colum: **Thank you for being such a faithful reviewer! Right now, you're the only thing that's keeping this thing going.


	7. Chapter 6: Questions & Concerns

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 6: **_Questions & Concerns

_**Chapter Rating: **_T {For mild heterosexual references/themes}

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

**A/N: **Comment. (I apologize for the few grammatical errors in the previous chapter. Those who caught them, I commend you. When this fic is done, I will go back and fix all of the problems and repost the chapters.)

_Isabella Swan, 1st__ Person_

The rain that pelted down on Jacob's bedroom window brought me out my comfortable sleep. It was dark outside, and the fog was so thick and the clouds were so bloated that I couldn't even see the stars. I looked at the fat raindrops through my misty vision and traced the trailing drops with my eyes. In a way, I felt as if my life was similar to those droplets. I never knew who I would be around, or if I would be stationary or if I would just fall blindly into what was coming my way…

I shifted my body to a more comfortable position and gazed at the body next to me. Jacob Black.

I wanted to be surprised, and I wanted to regret what I had done with him, but I couldn't. It was one of the best experiences I'd had with any human being (or any immortal, for that matter). I wanted to scream at him and cry and ask him why he did this to me, why he didn't ask me first…

And I also wanted to do it again and again. I wanted the feelings that I'd experienced with him to be with me for the rest of my life. I wanted to forget about everything with Edward. I _needed _to forget about Edward.

Jacob let out a soft snore and I smiled in his direction, though he couldn't see it. He was lying flat on his back, with one arm thrown haphazardly over his head and the other was resting on his dark stomach. I sat up, facing him, with my legs to the left side of my body. I pulled my half of the sheets over my body. For some reason, after all that had happened the night before, I was still very self-conscious.

I checked to see if my fingers were cold by pressing them to my naked thigh. I was sure that they were cold enough to wake him if I touched him. I brought my fingers to his chest anyways. He jerked a bit but he didn't wake.

Of course Jacob was a tall and broad individual, but when his clothes had been ripped off via my hands, I was pleasantly surprised to find tight muscles and extremely soft and warm skin. I felt stupid next to him, with my boring, milky skin and my soft, barely toned body features. I was pitiful at his side. Looking at him, I almost forgot that he was two years younger than me. Sixteen years old. Just a baby.

"_You're beautiful," _I'd said.

"_And you're not?" _He'd replied with a smile. For some reason, that had made everything all right.

I traced small, lazy circles on his left pectoral muscle and his eyes cracked open.

"Hello," I whispered.

"Hi." His muscled tensed as he stretched upwards.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up." I wasn't sorry at all, though. I wanted to see him when he was awake.

"It's okay, Bells." Reaching his hand up, he pushed my hair out of my face. He looked out the window and saw how dark it was. In an instant, an expression of pure panic washed over his face; I started to freak out because he was freaking out.

"What's wrong?" I said as he jumped off of the bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

"My dad!" He replied in a hoarse whisper.

"What about him? Isn't he out with Sue?" My cheeks went red with anxiety.

"Do you really think he would be out that long? Look at the time!" He pointed at his alarm clock. It read in digital numbers "7:00PM".

"Just stay in here and I'll go out the window." I told him.

"Bells, what about your car?"

"I can walk to Sam's." When I said Sam's name, Jacob visibly cringed.

"If he's home, Bella, chances are that he's seen your car." He didn't give me a chance to say anything more because he left the bedroom and closed the door with great caution.

I waited in silent panic for him to come back. I strained my ears to hear anything that was going on outside of the door.

"What's going on, Jacob?" I heard Billy's voice. _Crap,_ was all I could think.

"Nothing, dad." I could imagine him scratching the back of his head--that's what he does when he knows he's in trouble.

They exchanged a few more statements but I couldn't make out most of what they were saying.

"…doing here?"

"Dad, it's not…she isn't…no, dad!"

"Jacob, it's not proper."

"Dad, it just happened."

"_What_ just happened?"

There was silence. I heard footsteps come towards the door and I hid under the covers of Jacob's bed.

"Bella?"

"What?" I said. My voice was muffled from the sheets. I heard the door close and I peeked out from under them.

"It's okay, Bells."

"But your dad--"

"He knew it would happen."

"You and me or you and me and sex?"

He let out a sharp chuckle and squinted at me through the darkness.

"I'm not sure, but he knows now."

"You _told _him?" my eyes went wide in fear.

Jacob shuffled over to the bed and sat down next to me.

"No. He kind of…heard."

"Excuse me?"

"This wasn't exactly a quiet affair."

"Why didn't he walk in and freak out about it?" I was scared of what Billy would think of me.

"Do you think my father would actually want to do that? And Bella, he can't walk."

"You know what I meant. Jacob, how can I go out there now?"

"I'm not sure, Bells. It's okay, though. Don't worry about it. It'll blow over."

I gave him a look that I hoped he perceived as annoyed.

"I didn't plan to sleep with you, Jacob," I said suddenly. "I didn't even plan on kissing you today."

"I know," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "but you did anyway."

"Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know. Just wondering, I guess." I sighed. I wanted to ask him so many other things, like, _Do you know that I didn't do this out of love? _and _Do you think this was a one-time thing? _but I didn't. I couldn't.

"I love you, you know. And even if you don't love me, my feelings for you will never go away." I thought about his statement and imprinting came up in my mind.

"What if you find someone else?"

"I won't, Bella. I only want you."

"What if you imprint?"

"I don't know. If it happens I won't handle it like Sam did, that's for sure." His lip curled in disgust.

"I _do _love you, Jacob. I really do, and you know it." I placed my hand on his forearm.

He adopted a somber look upon his face.

"What?" I asked him.

"Nothing." A forced smile reached his lips. "I think you should get dressed, Bella."

I only nodded at him. I got up with the sheets still wrapped around my body and collected my clothes from the foot of the bed. I held them in a clump in my free and looked at Jacob.

"Um…"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Will you?"

"Yes, Bella. And by the way, I've seen you naked before. It doesn't matter." He chuckled at me.

"It does! Your dad is out there. Just let me change." Jacob stood and moved towards the door, opening and closing it with minimal noise.

As I put on my clothes from the night before, Edward invaded my thoughts. Where was he? Where were the Cullen's? How was Edward? Was he all right? The worry clouded all of my other concerns.

I felt selfish thinking about him, but it wasn't like I could avoid it. Would the night with Jacob have been different if I had actually shared it with Edward?

Yes, of course. Much different. I knew that it would never have happened, that he would have hurt me, that Jacob was here for me, and Edward wasn't. I kept trying to convince myself that Edward was gone for good, that he didn't want me; it was getting increasingly difficult.

I really was stuck in between someone I needed and someone I wanted. I needed Jacob--and I wanted Edward.

.|*.|*.|*.|.*|.*|.*|.

It was more than awkward being in the same room as Billy Black. I felt his eyes bore into mine, and it made me very jumpy, nervous, and ashamed.

Before coming face-to-face with Billy, Jacob had taken me aside and explained to me that we had to tell his father about Charlie.

"It's too dangerous for my father to go see Charlie. Bells, if your father ever tried to lure him to your house…" He'd said to me.

Sitting at the kitchen table, the air was uncomfortable and stale.

"Dad, I need to tell you something." Jacob said.

Billy cleared his throat and moved his eyes from mine and onto Jacob's face. "I already know."

"No, you don't."

"Jacob, I won't tolerate you having sex in my home!"

"Dad, it's not about that. And it's my home, too. Just listen to me for a second."

Billy became stoic and silent. I decided to take that as a good sign.

"Do you want to tell him?" Jacob asked me under his breath. In a split second, I nodded, even though I regretted it instantly. They both looked at me expectantly. I swallowed hard.

"Um," I opened my mouth and closed it again. "Well, Charlie, he--"

"Bella, it's okay."

I took a deep breath and gained sudden confidence.

"Charlie's a vampire, Billy. You can't see him anymore."

The look on his face was strained and confused.

"Edward changed him before he left me, so he's very young, so to speak. I'm sorry, Billy."

The sudden information looked as if it was putting a great toll on Billy. I felt like a parent telling a child that their 'papa' or 'nana' died. It was excruciating to tell him that his friend was not himself anymore and wouldn't be ever again.

"I think he's responsible for the killings that have been on the news lately, dad. And they've been saying that Chief Swan has been missing. He hasn't been to work at all."

I shot Jacob a confused glance. I'd known about him avoiding work. It was required of his new lifestyle, until he could get a grip on his cravings. "Killings?" I hadn't watched the news in a long time. "What are you talking about?" I asked. Both of them were silent for a long moment.

"Bella, you must know that Charlie needs to…feed." Jacob adopted a deep grimace.

"I know." I closed my eyes. I didn't want to believe that my father, the one who helped bring me into existence, was a cold-blooded killer. In an instant, I felt the corners of my mouth pull downwards as the tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks.

* * *

_Following Billy Black & Sue Clearwater, 3__rd__ Person_

Knowing that his son had engaged in adult activities in his own home didn't help the fact that Billy Black knew that his best friend was a new vampire. It made him think of the days' previous events with Sue Clearwater.

"Billy, I asked you to speak with me for a reason."

"I figured as much, Sue," he'd chuckled at her.

Sue rolled her eyes at him and continued. "Where has Charlie been?"

Billy hadn't known the answer. If he did, he wouldn't have had the heart to tell her.

"I'm not sure, Sue. I haven't seen or talked to him in weeks."

"Well, if you don't know, then I'm not sure who will." She nodded at her own statement. "You know, Billy, I wanted to speak to you about my children."

"Seth and Leah?"

"Yes, Billy."

"What's wrong with them?"

"Well, there's nothing really _wrong _with them, it's just that I'm worried. I need advice on what to do with them, you know?"

Billy folded his hands in his lap. "I guess. I have some worries about Jacob, too. I know how you feel. Go on."

"Well, I'd like to talk about Leah first. She's been…well, very distant."

"She always has been. Why are you so concerned now?"

"She's been sneaking out. Last night, she came back with a black eye and a cut on her cheek."

"_Leah_ came home looking like that? What happened to her?"

"She won't tell me, Billy. She's so secretive."

"Get her some help." He said simply.

"Where am I supposed to go? She's almost a legal adult. When that time comes, I won't be able to do anything about it!"

"Have you really tried talking to her? Trying to get to her?"

"Yes, many times. It just won't work."

"I'm sorry, Sue. I've never had to deal with females in the house after my wife died."

"I know. It was wishful thinking to even imagine that you could help me with Leah. She's a tough one to handle."

"I can imagine." Billy looked at Sue's aging face. She was nearing fifty years old, and the wrinkles on her forehead were getting deeper and more defined. He felt sorry for her--after Harry had died, she had significantly and physically aged.

"I know you have Jacob, Billy," She cleared her throat, "so I wanted to talk to you about Seth."

"He's not leaving the pack too, is he?"

A look of surprise washed over her face.

"What are you talking about? Seth's not leaving the pack."

"Well, Jacob told me that he was taking a break, so I didn't know if he influenced Seth's decisions at all."

"No, no. If he's thinking about leaving the pack, he hasn't shown any signs at all. But this situation with him does have something to do with Jacob."

"What?" Billy was confused now. What did Jacob have to do with Seth's issues?

"I think Seth might be gay."

"Gay?" He repeated.

"Gay."

"Sue, I can guarantee you that Seth is not gay. You have nothing to worry about."

"Oh, I'm not worrying about it. Don't get me wrong, Billy, I'm very open." Her facial expression said otherwise. "He's just been talking about Jacob a lot."

"Talking about a friend of the same gender doesn't make him a candidate for being gay, Sue."

"A _candidate_? Billy, your choice of words really gives me a riot sometimes." She slapped her knee and laughed heartily. Billy laughed, too, though in an uncomfortable manner.

"Sue, was that all you needed?"

"No. Can we talk about this some more, if you don't mind?"

"If you want to."

"Please, Billy, I have no one else to talk to anymore. I need your help with Leah and Seth."

"Sue, I'm here for you. Do you want to go out and get something to eat, and we'll talk then?"

"Sure, Billy. Where do you want to go?"

* * *

**A/N: **I know that this was a pretty slow and uneventful chapter but I'm having a bad case of writer's block. I'm already working on the next chapter, though--It'll be a lot better, I promise.

**Colum: **Thank you once again!


	8. Chapter 7: Complications

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 7: **_Complications

_**Chapter Rating: **_T/M {For strong language & mild homosexual suggestions}

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

_Isabella Swan, 1st__ Person_

I knew it would happen eventually. Fights like ours always found a way to worm into our innocent-enough conversations. A few days after we had been…well, been _together_, I had stupidly started talking about it and somehow the Cullen's managed to become a very prominent subject.

"I do miss them, Jake." I said miserably.

"How can you possibly miss them?"

"Jake, it's not like they were horrible to me. They were like a second family to me, you know."

"And the wolves couldn't be a part of that? _I _couldn't be a part of that family? Of course. Always the third wheel. Always picked last."

"It's not like that Jake, and you know that pretty well. You never seemed interested in being around them. You had me sneaking around at night and lying to Edward to come and see you."

"Cry me a freaking river, Bella! Seriously, you could have spent more time with me, with us."

"Well, Jake, I didn't. The past is the past. We can't rectify anything that's already dead and gone."

"Like that bloodsucking bastard," Jacob said under his breath.

I sighed and thought about the words exchanged. I really hadn't been in the mood to fight. I had just wanted to be with Jacob, _my _Jacob. I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part. I knew he was fiery and stubborn--so was I. It was like our personalities reflected each other. That's where the attraction originated from. All I wanted was for him to understand me and know how much pressure I was under.

"Jacob, you know I'm completely justified in this."

"No, Bella, I don't! Why don't you enlighten me a bit?" The sarcasm dripped from his voice. I tried not to let it get to me but the tone in his voice was very hurtful

"I'm just trying to communicate a little better with you, Jake. That's all."

"All you ever want to talk about is Edward! Edward, Edward, Edward, beautiful-undead-mind reader-fucking Cullen!"

I was surprised to say the least.

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do!"

"Jacob, you really need to get over how touchy you are about everything! It's not fair!"

"Not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair--"

"Speaking my mind? Telling you what I'm thinking about, which almost always has to do with _you_?"

He was silent, so I continued. This was my last chance to wipe the slate with all of the talk about Edward. I needed to be serious.

"I know it hurts you when I talk about him, Jake, but to be honest, he's on my mind sometimes. You just don't forget the first person you fell in love with. It doesn't happen that way."

"You can make it happen that way."

"I wish, Jacob, I really do."

"You don't mean that." He sneered and moved away from me.

"I _do _mean that! When will you get it through your skull that I love you and I pretty much have since I first talked to you?"

"I don't believe you."

At that point, I was almost in tears. To the day, he'd never been so angry, so condescending, or so cruel to me. I noticed how his face softened when the tears rolled down my cheeks, but it hardened again when he saw that I had caught on.

With a painful lump in my throat, I strained out every last word that I needed to tell him:

"Jacob, I'm afraid of you. I'm also afraid of losing you…and I'm frightened beyond belief and ashamed of everything I say to you that hurts you, okay? Some things just need to be said, Jacob. I wish your heart wasn't heavy, or maybe this could work."

"Could work?" He said confusedly. "You don't think this'll work?"

"If you don't start listening to me and being more kind to me, then I don't know, Jake. I love you so much--"

"And I love you more than anything." He'd stepped forward and taken my face in his hands. He stared directly into my eyes and his eyebrows were furrowed. "Please don't leave me." He kissed me with an urgency that seemed more worried than strained or lusty. When he pulled away, I'd bitten my lip and I looked at him as intensely as I could possibly muster.

"I won't leave you, Jacob, if you promise to get rid of all the unnecessary jealousy that you feel towards Edward and the Cullen's."

His face had immediately changed back to its former scowl.

"He hurt you, Bella."

"Forget about that! Forget about what happened between Edward and me." I took his hands into mine and squeezed them. "As far as I'm concerned, it never happened that way. I'm with _you_, Jacob. You. How blind can you possibly be?" I exclaimed. I really was at my last nerve with him, though I was trying as hard as I could to be patient.

"How can I forget about it if he's the reason that I almost lost you forever?" His voice was softer, more melancholy.

I looked at him tentatively and carefully chose my next words:

"You didn't lose me, Jake. You had me all along." _Lies, lies, lies. _

"Really?" His face was so suddenly surprised and hopeful that I couldn't bear to tell him no. He didn't have me then, and he was just getting me now. I did love him. I loved him with all of my heart…it was just different with him.

"Yes, really."

I had been too afraid to disappoint him.

* * *

_General 3__rd__ Person_

When Jacob walked back to his from Sam's, he thought about Bella. He couldn't figure out if she had been genuine about what she had been saying. Thinking about it made him increasingly worried and angry.

As he neared his house that night, he was greeted by Leah, Seth, Embry, and Quil. They had tended to the fire pit near the backyard and a blaze was going quite strongly.

"What are you guys doing here?" He asked them. The question wasn't directed towards anyone in particular.

In a loud voice, Leah answered him. "We thought you needed some company."

Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Seriously guys, you have Leah with you. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Embry and Quil said simultaneously.

Jacob raised his eyebrows in suspicion but sat down in the plastic chair that was being offered to him.

"Marshmallow?" Embry extended his arm towards Jacob; his hand grasped a bulging bag of pink marshmallows.

Jacob only used a wave of his hand that clearly said 'no'. He had still been trying to figure out why all of them were at his house and acting so strangely.

Embry recoiled as if offended and scowled at the bag.

"Guys, I…appreciate that you're here, but this is a little awkward." Indeed it was awkward, because everyone at the fire had been completely silent for the past few minutes.

"We'll leave then." said Quil in a strange voice.

"Yeah, we just wanted to convin--keep you company." He corrected himself quickly, but Jacob had caught on.

"Convince me of what?" He snapped.

All four of his companions adopted sheepish looks on their faces.

"Convince me of _what_?" He repeated in a fiercer voice.

"We want you to come back," Seth said in a soft voice.

Leah glared at him and said under her breath, "Seth! What the hell are you doing?"

Seth ignored her offhand comment and continued. "We miss you," he said, "and we want you to come back to the pack, Jake. Sam needs his beta."

Jacob went from tense to relaxed as he reclined in the plastic chair. The hot reflection of the fire jumped across his cheek in a playful way.

"Why?"

"Why what?" said Leah.

"Not you," he continued. "Seth. I was talking to Seth." He folded his hands and let his eyes trail to Seth's.

"Why do you miss me?"

The question obviously took Seth and the others by surprise because no one spoke. Leah closed her gaping mouth, Quil and Embry shrugged, and Seth started to fidget with his hands.

"Well?" Jacob prompted. He stood up and threw his arms up in the air. "Why would you possibly want the loud-mouthed, temperamental giant back in the pack?" He shouted. "I don't want to be there, with all of you. I hate it, you know?" He sighed and sat back down.

"What was that for?" Leah said. "You didn't have to yell, you crazy--"

"Yes, I did! I've been yelling all day and I need to yell now."

"Jake, don't." Seth said, intently lacing and unlacing his fingers. He didn't look up for fear that he would be shunned by a particular angry face. "Don't get angry, please."

He couldn't see it, but Jacob was now looking at his bowed head with genuine interest.

"Okay. I won't." He took a deep breath, stood up, and walked towards the younger, smaller-framed individual and placed a hand on his shoulder. Seth's head snapped up. "Come here, I want to talk to you."

Seth rose and followed Jacob to a large fir tree, leaving Leah, Quil, and Embry confused by the fire pit.

When they were out of hearing range, Jacob bared his teeth at Seth.

"What the hell was that, Seth?" he asked angrily. Seth backed up and shrugged in an uneasy way.

"Nothing. I just don't like it when you're angry, that's all!"

"I don't _care _if you don't like it."

"I wish you would," Seth replied indignantly. His stomach was a-flutter and his head was swimming with hope and doubt that swirled together and intertwined.

"I'm sorry," Jacob said. "I guess the anger from earlier is still there."

"Oh," Seth said. He didn't even bother to ask why he was angry, because he was suddenly in Jacob's arms. Seth let out a grunt of surprise and just stood there with Jacob's arms around him.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"For…what?" Seth said, still in a surprised state.

"Caring."

* * *

_Seth Clearwater, 1__st__ Person_

When his arms formed a vice around me, I forgot to breathe for a while. I held my breath until I went light-headed and I finally put my arms around his warm body.

_What the hell is happening? _I thought to myself. _What am I doing?_

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"For…what?" I said.

"Caring." he pulled me closer.

"No problem," I said in a high voice. He was really making things difficult.

When he released me, I was happy and slightly disappointed. I was happy because I knew that he would soon sense my complications, and disappointed because I wanted him to keep holding me.

"Do you want to come over?"

"Uh…sure." I said. I hadn't been sure if it would be a good idea, but I thought, what's the harm?

"Oh, be a little more enthusiastic. For old time's sake, right?"

"Jake?"

"Yes?" he said, looking a bit crestfallen.

"What do you mean by 'old time's sake'? You never used to hang out with me. I was the 'annoying kid', remember?"

Jacob only smiled at me and a shiver went down my spine. "I don't remember."

I knew for a fact that he did. I figured that maybe he didn't want to talk about it, or he just wanted me to forget about it. Yet another question found its way out of my mouth.

"Why don't you just hang out with Quil or Embry?"

"I'm always with them."

"No you're not. You're always with Bella."

He ignored me and went on. "Do you want to see me or not?"

"Of course I do, it's just that--"

"Come on." he grabbed my arm and dragged me to his house. When we passed my sister and Quil and Embry, I just shrugged and gave them an unsure smile.

"Well, fuck that," said Embry. All three of them left.

.|*.|*.|*.|.*|.*|.*|.

His room was stuffy. It was still very cold outside, and the window was cracked open about an inch, but it was hot beyond belief. I didn't even want to ask why.

"Do you need anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you're staying over, then you'll need some stuff."

I cocked an eyebrow as high as I could get it. "I didn't think I was staying overnight."

"Well, you are. I need someone to talk to."

In all honesty, I was definitely _not _in the mood to talk. I wasn't really in the mood to do anything at all. But I was with Jacob, _alone_, and I didn't want to mess anything up like the last time.

"_Do you really love her, Jake?"_

"_Bella?"_

"_Yeah. Who else?" I said._

"_I do, Seth. I really do."_

I had walked away from him so angrily. I wasn't sure what he thought of me at that point.

"Okay," was all I said. "What do you need to talk about?"

"Well, for one, I need to warn you about someone."

"Who?"

"Charlie Swan."

"Why, because he's a newborn loose in Forks?"

"You know?"

"Of course I know, Jake. The whole pack knows." I stared at his russet-colored arm and saw goosebumps rise.

"Oh." He shook his head. "Well, in any case, I think he's responsible for those killings that have been on the news."

"Well, Sam was thinking about that, but--"

"Sam only thinks that because I told Bella and Bella is staying with Sam and she probably passed on that bit of information," he said defensively.

"Don't worry about it, Jake," I couldn't help but laugh at his expression.

We were silent for a while. The time wasn't awkward for me, because I had been occupying myself with staring at every inch of exposed skin that Jacob had, but it was most likely uncomfortable for him, because he cleared his throat when he noticed that I wasn't looking at his eyes.

"Sorry," I said.

"It's all right."

"So…"

"I think we need to get rid of Charlie."

"Why?" I said, suddenly horror-struck. Charlie, despite the fact that he was a vampire, had been a very good friend to my mother after my dad had died. Not to mention he was Jacob's fathers' best friend.

"He doesn't know what's going on. He's too dangerous."

"Don't you think that's a little harsh?"

"Not at all. We were all ready to attack the newborns that came in a swarm, remember?"

"Yeah, but this is different, isn't it?"

"I guess, but we have to be sure."

"Can't we just…I don't know, quarantine him?"

"He won't be able to feed. He doesn't have anyone to restrain him."

"Well why don't we just catch animals for him or something?"

"That could work," he said respectfully. "But if we _do _manage to catch him, where are we going to put him? He's immensely strong." I was surprised at his vocabulary more than his actual question.

"Did you just use the word 'immensely'?" I snorted.

"Yeah, why?"

I was treading in dangerous waters but I took the chance anyways. "I didn't think you were smart enough to use that word." I waited for a venomous retaliation. Instead, he attacked me, as literally as that can be put.

He leapt onto me and pinned me down to the floor, a huge, lopsided gin on his face.

"You think I'm stupid now?"

I shook my head in amusement. His shaggy hair touched my shoulders.

"Good," he said as he lifted himself off of me.

Instead of going back to where he had previously been standing, he sat down on the floor about three feet from my body and watched me push myself into a sitting position.

"What?" I said.

"I expected you to get scared."

"Jake, you were smiling."

Realization struck his chiseled features. "Oh, yeah."

I looked at his alarm clock and saw that it was getting late.

"It's almost midnight," I said. "We need to get some sleep, you know."

"Fine," he said.

Within a few minutes he had settled himself in his bed and had gotten me some blankets for the floor. For a fleeting moment I wondered if he would have let me on the bed with him, but I quickly shooed that idea out of my mind. Unacceptable. When the lights had been turned off, I couldn't help but stare at him. I traced the contours of his face with my eyes and sighed as softly as I could manage.

I tried my hardest to get comfortable, but I just couldn't. My tongue went dry; when I swallowed, my throat became scratchy. I could hear Jacob breathing. Not quite a snore, not quite a fleeting bit of oxygen. I wanted to watch him even more. I'm not sure when I'd actually fallen asleep but when I had woken up, it was hard to explain the reactions I had during my dreams to Jacob.


	9. Chapter 8: The Gift of Life

**Shades of Grey**

_**Chapter 8: **_The Gift of Life

_**Chapter Rating: **_K-K+

_**Disclaimer: **_See prologue.

_Edward Cullen, 1st__ Person_

You know, life is definitely a worthwhile gift. I wish I knew where it originated, where it started up…I need proof. That's all I need.

Dying, on the other hand, is the gift of life being taken away. It's inevitable, snatched out from under our greedy hands; yet it is regained again because it's the unwritten rule of nature.

If life is so absolutely precious, why do we waste it on possessions and people that are utterly useless? It's not like we can all just go back and try to make it right again--The clocks of Mother Earth won't allow it.

I wasted so much of my immortal 'life' that it took me almost ninety years to figure out that I didn't have a life anymore. I was dead. It all hit me at once: I wanted my gift of life to be taken away. How could a vile creature such as me deserve to live?

My body puts up a fight inside, nonetheless. I'm scared of the unknown, it clouds my heart. We cannot see past our own world, and that fact frightens me beyond belief. If we could see past our world, we could predict our lives, our demise.

If life is full of pain, then pain itself is a necessary part of life. Pain always seems to find me. Most of it has subsided, yes, but the empty memories I have are what hurt the most. The only genuine pain that I have left to feel are those memories in which I remember that I was once…

…Happy.

If I were human and still with Bella, I would be living a comfortable life. I wouldn't have to be as cautious with my words, with my touches, with my mind. I know I don't need her, but it's difficult to convince myself of that.

How can we all be so incredibly weak and vulnerable? Even me, a cold "blood-sucker"…I am weak, weaker than anyone could ever know. I want to die, to experience something other than pain. No, I'm not masochistic or suicidal--I'm simply curious, because I know now that all of us were wrong to think that immortality meant never dying.


End file.
